Not Letting Doubt Win
- Kennedy Ellis
- Jun 11, 2023
- 4 min read
Hey y’all, it has been a hot minute, sorry about that. I have honestly been bouncing around with this next topic, mainly because I was waiting for enough events to occur that would warrant such writing.
I wanted to write about chances being taken, the gamble you take whenever you venture into the unknown. I have been doing that a lot more recently.
Unfortunately, the imposter syndrome creeps in, and you wonder if that risk will pay off. In other unfortunate news, I always forget my own advice. * cough * this blog * cough *
I keep talking about going outside my comfort zone, which I do, but it was a terrifying experience. Now, don’t get me wrong, it would be like a roller coaster that you really wanted to ride for the experience, but you didn’t plan for the anxiety of the ride. You get so worried about getting on the ride each time, but the thrill of being up in the clouds is worth it.
I’ve been trying to get in as much lab experience as I possibly can. Every day I walk in and find something completely new that of course I want to know ALL about. You walk into the room and there are so many different minds to pick from. All these researchers and various industry professionals are the greatest celebrities in my mind and they’re right there in front of me! I like the saying that if you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room. The beauty of academia is that it will never happen, so I’ll always be a kid in a candy store.
Anyway, building the experience part of my resume holds interesting emotions. Going into a new lab, meeting lab mates, and getting trained on various procedures, is exhilarating. BUT walking into the room for the first time is where you wonder if you truly deserve it. You know you do not have any experience or knowledge close enough to match the others, but you get to walk in. Why? Yes, everyone must start somewhere, but that’s when you wonder if you didn’t start soon enough. Or if you didn’t run fast enough when you hit the ground. (Ironically, I am currently injured from an electric scooter accident, so in this instance, it would be a slow roll on my knee scooter.)
I find those thoughts easier to lose sight of when I remember what brought me to the doorway. You know that walking into the next room is where you want to be and that the next room is on the other side of this room. In the shortest words possible, do it and keep walking through those doorways.
Do those things your worries tell you not to do. I like to think the worst-case scenario is that even if you don’t achieve the goal, at least the next try will be a little easier than the last. Or you do achieve what you thought was impossible and those dreams do come true. Another check mark off the career/education list right there!
I say all of this because I truly keep wondering if I deserve the things I have and can earn the things I want. I know we all have our doubts, but we also don’t talk about it.
This past semester I worked in the Holm turfgrass physiology lab at Michigan State. I learned a tremendous amount and had a huge opportunity to come through.
Yet, I still can’t believe I was allowed to work there. Yes...I am still scratching my head on earning an entry-level position for undergraduate students. I know, and I don’t know why this ever worried/worries me so much.
This summer I am a Kelman Scholar at North Carolina State. This is a program just for students interested in Plant Pathology and Entomology research. The perfect fit for exactly where I want to be in my career and education and yet I was hesitant to apply because I thought there was no chance, I would be accepted.
Mental preparation went more into not getting in than if I did. Pushing aside the nerves I submitted the application because I did not want to let down the person who recommended the program.
Now as I work on my FIRST abstract submission to a conference, I wonder once more if I will be good enough. Of course, anxiety cannot win. I figured trying will not hurt, this is a DREAM opportunity, and more importantly, I have a whole lab of people who I love working with that I can represent. Then, of course, this door opens many more. With all the desires I have for my career and education there is not enough time for doubt.
In the next 2-3 years, I want to perform a magic trick of various lab experiences; mycology, mycotoxicology, field crop pathology, forest pathology, and entomology.
This magic also includes having internships or work-related experiences with the USGA, something in Boston (can I answer why, no, I just have always wanted to go there and think I would enjoy it), more lab experience, something international again but in turf this time (Duolingo blows up my phone, but the learning streak continues), also something where I can try out different biological or mechanical controls for pests (in a lab setting, extension work, or for one golf course I work at for some time, I’m not picky.)
Let’s not forget wanting to keep up with volunteering at tournaments, going to conferences (also presenting more in some way), keeping up with Turf Twitter (that’s more fun though. “I love Turf Twitter” (that is an amazing t-shirt idea, and I will be writing that down)), getting published a few times (especially before grad school), and of course, I want to keep writing here, (I find this enjoyable, and I love being able to share what I learn with someone else.) See... magic! Of course, these are things I’ll figure out how to do, even if it takes longer (google, Turf Twitter, and word of mouth are my best friends for finding various opportunities.) Time is the only real limitation.
The moral of the story is do not question yourself. Take the leap of faith and enjoy the ride!!
(Now it’s time for me to work on leaping without hesitation!)